Growing up, it was no secret in my household that my dad wanted a boy. Instead, he got me, the daughter he settled for. As a result, he treated me like a boy but with all the suffocating rules meant only for little Asian girls – to not speak out of turn, to fetch anything from the kitchen on command, to not play with the boys. Somehow, I internalized the double standard, and with my lack of education and self-assurance, I harboured a lot of internalized misogyny. I was just a girl.
So what is that? ‘Internalized misogyny’ happens when women and girls subconsciously project sexist ideas onto other women and girls, and even onto themselves. We see women and girls degraded subtly in our everyday lives – especially in the media. This sets an unhealthy pattern and makes it all the more difficult to stop tearing one another down. Sound familiar?
Discovering feminism
In my teen years AKA the prime of when other girls were seen as competition, discovering feminism was like seeing the world in colour for the first time. All of a sudden, I felt validated and seen, two feelings I had never experienced before.
It was then that I started feeling this overwhelming sense of appreciation for the women and girls in my life who made such a lasting impact. It became clear that my existing thoughts and actions didn’t align with my newfound belief system. From then on, I committed to growth and empowerment.
I started questioning everything. Why did I think certain jobs were more suitable for guys? Was it because I genuinely believed that, or was it because society had handed me a script without asking if I wanted to play that role? Spoiler alert: it was the latter and I didn’t!
Recognizing toxic thoughts
If you find yourself having misogynistic thoughts despite having been brought up and socialized as a girl, I have a challenge for you. I challenge you to question and examine your beliefs about gender roles and stereotypes, and why you think the way you do. Was it school, the adults in your life, or TV? I know for me it was all three of those.
When I finally started knowing better, I started celebrating and embracing my own uniqueness, including all of those qualities that were considered “girly” or traditionally feminine.
On the flip side, I also started refusing to adhere to societal norms about my appearance or behaviour, thinking anything was too masculine for me. If I wanted to do something, I did it! It’s so important to be aware of ideas that were designed to keep us subservient.
Female friendships and their power
One of the best things I started doing was surrounding myself with positive, empowering female friendships. You could even say they saved me. My friends and I banded together to foster a supportive environment that encouraged celebrating each other’s successes. If you think about it, it’s a radical act in a society that encourages you to make enemies of other women.
It’s simple, really. Even in a room full of strangers, you could go around asking the women there for a pad, and it’s more likely than not that they will scramble to try and help you. Some studies even prove that female friendships are crucial in maintaining your happiness and health.
Continuous awareness and growth
How else could you further de-shackle your mind from patriarchal conditioning, you ask? Well, the answer to me is always through education. I engaged in learning about feminist theory and history, and gender dynamics. There are so many resources out there; you can explore books, articles, and documentaries that challenge societal norms. ‘We Should All Be Feminists’ by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie was a personal favourite of mine. My gift to you is this master doc that links 20+ free online PDF books on feminism, please enjoy!
Choosing to reverse our internalized misogyny is going to be a rocky but fulfilling road. The best part about it is you will never be alone, and you will find that life looks and feels completely different. There are going to be moments where you aren’t “being a good feminist”, or you’re going to make mistakes, or have moments of regression. You’re just human, and that’s okay. What’s important is that you commit to ongoing self-reflection and are determined to break free from internalized misogyny. We’re in this together!
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