When you’re a teenager, the media tells you high-school romance is the highlight of your adolescence. But no one tells you what to do when your partner wants more than what you’re willing to give. No means no, but what about those who gave in? For me, that became the painful reality of surviving sexual coercion.
My (now ex) boyfriend pressured me into sexual acts, even when I was hesitant. The more I said no, the more he thought I just needed a little convincing. Eventually, “no” turned into “I don’t know” to “maybe” to “okay, fine”. And just like that, he got what he wanted.
No is not a challenge
Like most teens, I grew up yearning for love like in K-dramas. But often, those shows romanticize persistence. It’s always the same: the girl says no, the boy pushes harder. He ignores her boundaries and doesn’t take no for an answer; yet the show frames him as the irresistible bad-boy. In the end, she’s “worn down” and “gives in”.
I used to roll my eyes at these tropes – like, gross! Take a hint, dude. So I thought I knew what sexual coercion looked like. That is, until I experienced it. My story of surviving sexual coercion didn’t look like TV dramas. It was disguised as “love”.
When people hear “no”, it means no. “Habis homework tak?”, “Nak keluar tak?” But to my ex, “no” sounded more like “try harder to change my mind”.
Every time I pushed back, it turned into guilt trips and manipulation: “But every time you help me our relationship gets happier”. Or, “You owe me because you made me wait this long”.
And eventually, I believed him. Maybe I did owe him. I had to convince myself that was reason enough.
I only woke up to the truth when he finally ended things: I hadn’t consented.
What consent looks like (and what it isn’t)
“Yes” – that’s all. Nothing more, nothing less.
So what makes a situation feel like pressure?
Think of it this way: Person A wants to get a cup of coffee with Person B, who is busy. Person A says, “I thought we were friends! Why won’t you get a coffee with me?” again and again. Person B feels guilty, so they go for coffee anyway.
That yes was not freely given. That’s pressure.
Silence isn’t a yes. “I don’t know” isn’t a yes. A “no” that becomes a “yes” only after repeatedly asking … that’s not a yes either.
Consent is wholeheartedly given. If it comes from fear, pressure, or guilt, it’s not consent – even if it’s with someone you love dearly.
It doesn’t stop at badgering. Coercion can take many forms:
- Emotional manipulation. He’d say “Oh, I understand” but he would push me away until I gave him what he wanted.
- Normalizing his sexual expectations. Whenever I rejected him, he would say something like, “I’m a guy, I have needs” or “But physical touch is my love language”.
- Threats to the relationship. Every rejection would always end in a fight where we almost break up… until I gave in and said yes. And then he was happy again.
Healing after surviving sexual coercion
I felt alone. Everyone knew we were together and it felt humiliating to tell anyone. I was afraid of hearing the words I knew were at the forefront of people’s minds when it came to sexual coercion. “That’s not assault. You guys were dating.”
It was terrifying to admit to myself that I was assaulted. I didn’t blame myself – I wouldn’t blame the victim if it were someone else, after all. But being in a room and knowing I was the 1 in 3 women, that I had become a statistic, was terrifying.
For months, I carried his guilt. But slowly I realized: I didn’t owe him my body because we were together. I had no reason to keep it to myself, because there was nothing to be ashamed of. Acceptance was the first step to healing from surviving sexual coercion.
You aren’t alone
So to anyone who’s been through this, whether you’re still surviving sexual coercion or just starting to heal, here’s my message to you: It’s not your fault, and it does get better.
I know it feels difficult, and isolating, in a world where even aggressive sexual assault is dismissed. But you’re not alone in this.
I hope my story shows you that healing is possible. It just takes time. Whether you’ve just realized you were assaulted, or you’re already on your recovery journey, remember: Coercion is not consent. Yes means yes, and anything else means No.
Surviving sexual coercion isn’t a single moment. It’s a journey, one where you deserve safety, healing and hope.
Editor’s Note: Who you can talk to in Malaysia
If this story brings up difficult feelings, please know you’re not alone – consider reaching out to someone you trust or a support service in your area for gentle, confidential help.
- Talian Kasih 15999– a 24/7 helpline for children and families.
- Befrienders KL (03-7956 8145)– for emotional support if you feel alone.
